If your partner has scored a job at an international school, it can be incredibly exciting! A new country, and a fresh start! And if you’ve got kids, it’s an amazing opportunity to show your kids the world. 

But when you’re the one without the job offer, it can make it a little more challenging.

For many spouses of international teachers (otherwise known as trailing spouses, one of the least appealing terms in the English language!), moving abroad as a family comes with a big identity shift.

When you relocate to a new country, you’re obviously not a tourist. But you’re definitely not a local yet, either! You’ve packed up your whole life for a job that isn’t yours. And when your partner is busy diving head first into a brand new role, you're often the one left working out how to adjust and create a new life for your family.

The Role You Didn’t Interview For

Being a non-teaching spouse in the world of international education is a unique experience. And it's one that is rarely talked about. You're part of the school community, but not officially. Unlike your spouse, you don’t get instant access to a social network through your workplace. There’s no fancy welcome breakfast or induction schedule to help you (although, to be fair, some schools can be great at welcoming the whole family). 

Instead, you’re often left to work it out on your own, which can be a crash course in starting over. Throw in a language you may not speak, an unfamiliar culture and setting, and no job title, familiar routines, or regular income, and it can be an even bigger hurdle than you envisaged.

1. Embrace the Identity Shift

Back home, you may have been working in finance, as a teacher, a freelancer, or a full-time parent. But no matter what your role was, as soon as you arrive in your new country, this shifts. Many trailing spouses suddenly take on the role of logistics coordinator, cultural translator (or mis-translator), and staunch family anchor during such a big transition.

It can be easy to feel like you’ve lost your identity. But it can also be a big opportunity full of potential. For many people, living abroad can provide a much-needed chance to pause and reflect - and even pivot. It could provide you with the chance to volunteer, start that blog you’ve always talked about, move into freelancing for greater flexibility, study something new online, or explore a creative project. 

2. Build a Social Life Without a Staffroom

Making friends as an adult is hard work! But making friends in a brand new country when you don’t have colleagues to chat to daily can be next-level. Especially if you’re naturally introverted!

A great place to start is obviously your school community. Many international schools have active parent groups that welcome new parents. While it can be daunting, be brave! Yes, you won’t know anyone, and yes, you’ll probably feel incredibly awkward and like a complete outsider at first. Just remember, everyone else probably felt the same way when they started out.

Depending where you move, make sure to look beyond the school, too, so you’re not living in the “school bubble”. Facebook groups for expats, language classes, and even coffee shops can be a great place to meet people if you’re up for it! It will no doubt feel awkward to start, but adopting a “say yes” mentality can fast-track connections.

3. Carve Out Something For You

This one is super important. Whether it’s a side hustle, a volunteer gig, a paid job (if you can swing it), or even a regular walk with your favourite podcast, try to find something just for you. Something that doesn’t revolve around your partner’s job or your kids’ schedules.

Having your thing can really help to keep you grounded, even if you’re feeling completely overwhelmed in a new setting. It can help to give you a sense of purpose and a routine. When there is so much change and uncertainty, a little predictability can be invaluable!

Some ideas you may want to consider:
• Freelance or remote work if your visa allows it.
• Volunteering with local NGOs or community groups.
• Creative projects like writing, photography, or learning the local language.
• Professional development or studying online in your field (or a new one!).

Even if it doesn’t generate an income for you, having a project or goal you can chip away at can really build your confidence and give you some much-needed structure to your day.

4. Know You're Not Alone

There’s a huge amount of joy when you choose to move abroad for your partner’s teaching job. You can access travel, culture, and connection that you wouldn’t be able to get at home. But there can also be a bit of grief thrown in: grief for the career you left behind, or even just your old life. For the independence you previously had. For the version of you that you’re not quite sure how to hold on to in a crazy new setting.

It’s totally normal to feel frustrated, invisible, or unsure of who you are at times. These feelings are perfectly valid and also incredibly common for ‘trailing spouses’. It can feel isolating, but remember that you’re not alone. 

Being honest with your partner about how you’re feeling can help. They’ll be struggling themselves and no doubt putting on a brave face, often feeling conflicted that it was ‘their fault’ you made the move in the first place (especially if it hasn’t been smooth sailing to start with). 

Connecting with other non-teaching spouses can also be helpful. You may find them at your current school, through local expat groups, or by reaching out to online communities. There are plenty of us out here, quietly building lives behind the scenes!

5. Celebrate all the Wins - No Matter How Small!

Sometimes, when you completely shake up your life by moving overseas, the biggest win is mastering the local supermarket. Or making a new friend. Or just making it through the week without having a little cry!

Other times, it’s the big wins you want to really celebrate: the awesome family trip you planned solo, a skill you taught yourself, or a project you launched. These wins matter. So make sure you stop and recognise them.

The truth is that building a life abroad when you’re not the one with the job can be tough. It often takes a whole lot of creativity and resilience. But as hard as it can be, it’s also full of tremendous personal growth and unexpected joy.

Building a New Life Overseas

Although you may not have your name on the contract or a fancy job title to match, your role in your family’s expat journey is still essential. And it is absolutely worth recognising. 

So here’s to the non-teaching spouses of international educators: the ones quietly holding it all together while figuring it all out. We’re not “just” along for the ride. We’re building a life of your own - one brave, messy, meaningful step at a time!

Kelly Quinn, the International Teaching Families Editor for Wandering Educators, is a writer and expat parent who has spent the last few years behind the scenes in international education. She recently founded International Teaching Families, a site dedicated to helping international teaching families and expat parents navigate the world of international schools. Kelly has spent the past five years living in Peru, South Korea, and Malaysia with her husband (an international school teacher) and their three kids. When she’s not navigating visa rules or the MANY school WhatsApp groups, she also writes about travel and expat life for her personal blog - My Expat Fam.
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