When someone we care about experiences sexual violence, our first instinct is to help. However, communication research reveals a dark side to these interactions. Even with the best intentions, speech acts that evaluate or minimize a survivor’s experience can stall healing and may force survivors into silence. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (2025), approximately 70% of rape of sexual assault victims experience moderate to severe distress, which is “a larger percentage than for any other violent crime.”
To truly show up for survivors in our lives, we have to look at these common dark side traps and understand the power of the things we say over the recovery process of a survivor. By learning how our words can cause more harm to a survivor, we can make a conscious effort to avoid saying certain things that may unintentionally invalidate a survivor’s experience or encourage isolation.
Instead, we can learn to do better and help survivors feel less alone when navigating the complicated road to healing.
The Danger of Putting an Expiration Date on Trauma
Sometimes words of encouragement to a survivor to move on after their assault can unintentionally add to their pain. For example, comments that suggest the support provider is annoyed by the survivor speaking about the trauma asking, “You’re still not over it?” or saying that “It’s such a long time ago!” can make it seem like they are judging the pace of the survivor’s recovery or there is an expiration date on the survivor’s trauma (Schönbucher et al., 2014).
When a survivor feels like they are irritating a member of their informal support network by speaking about their trauma, it can make the survivor want to mask their feelings to avoid causing strain in the relationship, which is unhealthy for the healing process. Support providers should make survivors feel comfortable to speak about their trauma when they feel like it, rather than judging the time that has passed since the sexual violence happened.
How Minimization Can Force a Survivor into Silence
While evaluating the timeline of recovery for survivors of sexual violence can be damaging, so can minimizing the trauma, which can often feel like a support provider is trying to rewrite the trauma itself. It can be extremely hurtful to survivors when those who they confide in about their assault try to make it out to be less severe than it was, by saying things like “it wasn’t abuse” or encouraging a survivor to “forgive” their abuser (Schönbucher et al., 2014).
Support providers can also minimize the trauma of sexual violence by excusing the abuser, saying things like “he would only have wanted to treat you nicely” (Schönbucher et al., 2014). This is extremely hurtful for a survivor as it can make them feel as if no one takes their trauma seriously.
This dynamic creates a dark side of support where the survivor’s needs are sacrificed for the support provider’s comfort, leading to:
• Emotional Suppression: A survivor feels forced to hide their pain to keep the support provider comfortable.
• Relational Isolation: According to research, female survivors desire receiving, “more support from [their] mother[s].” Relational isolation seems almost inevitable when a parent’s communication suggests that the family’s reputation comes first; that is, the parent’s communication implies that they “just want people to think the best about [the] family,” while ignoring the impact of the sexual assault trauma on the survivor (Schönbucher et al., 2014). By saying things like, “Don’t tell nobody what he done to you,” a support provider is telling a survivor they have to deal with the trauma all alone. This is hurtful for a survivor as instead of supporting them you are asking them to put the reputation of their abuser over their own needs (Ullman et al., 2020). This creates a “dark side” dynamic where the survivor goes along with the support provider’s request to avoid family conflict.
• Delayed Healing: By telling a survivor to “forgive him” and forget before they have even been heard, the healing process is put on hold as a survivor feels they can’t confide in anyone about the abuse and sometimes even blames themselves thinking they are being dramatic and should just get over it (Schönbucher et al., 2014).
How Prioritizing Productivity over Healing Hurts a Survivor
In work settings, the pressure for a survivor of sexual violence to “get back to normal” is made worse by managers judging the performance of a survivor. Managers telling employees who have told them about the assault to “get it together” tells survivors that they are a mess (Lorenz & O’Callaghan, 2020). By ignoring the impact of trauma and instead telling a survivor they need to pull themselves together, managers who are meant to support their staff judge the recovery process.
The expectation to work as if nothing happened adds to the emotional exhaustion of a survivor which does more than hurt a survivor’s feelings but can lead to a survivor leaving their job as they do not feel supported. The manager ignoring the impact of a survivor’s assault also slows down a survivor’s long term healing process by encouraging a survivor to suppress their emotions rather than confiding in others which can lead to a survivor feeling isolated and ashamed about the assault. Here, the manager is telling a survivor that their current state is not good enough, which creates a dark side environment for a survivor (Lorenz & O’Callaghan, 2020).
Using Empathy and Affective Sharing to Support Survivors
There are positive ways we as support providers can help survivors of sexual violence on their healing journey. By showing empathy to a survivor, by not just listening but mirroring the survivor’s emotions we can help show the survivor that they don’t have to face the trauma alone (Lorenz et al., 2017). We as support providers can help validate the pain felt by a survivor and show empathy that makes a survivor feel valued and supported.
The Importance of Validating a Survivor: Why “It Wasn’t Your Fault” Matters
We as support providers can help support survivors of sexual violence through validating their experience by reassuring the survivor that they are not responsible for their assault. Telling a survivor “it wasn’t your fault” and reassuring them that “they didn’t deserve it” helps stop their thoughts of self blame which creates space for them to begin healing. Showing that you believe the survivor and understand that it is a big deal, by saying things like “it’s a horrible thing that never should have happened in the first place” helps the survivor feel like their pain is normal (Mayer et al., 2025).
As a support provider, you don’t want to rush a survivor to “get back to normal,” but instead show them that you are there for them and that you know this isn’t easy and that it’s unfair. You are saying to the survivor that “it’s ok not to be ok” because what they have been through was not “ok.”
Beyond the Dark Side
The way we talk to survivors of sexual violence has a big impact on their healing. As we have seen, support providers who evaluate a survivor's healing process or minimize the severity of their assault can lead to a survivor feeling “balled in” and isolating themselves from all support. We as support providers can help survivors of sexual violence stop blaming themselves through repeatedly reassuring them that “it wasn’t your fault.” By understanding “dark-side” dynamics, we can move beyond well intended mistakes and become the mindful, validating support providers survivors truly need.
Enya Gleeson is a junior exchange student at Coe College, where she has majored in Communications and English Literature. She is expected to graduate from Queen's University Belfast in the summer of 2027 with a BA in English Literature and Film Studies. Enya has a passion for journalism, both written and broadcast and has a radio show that broadcasts each week on KCOE and Queens Radio. She will spend the summer of 2026 in Los Angeles as a production intern for FoxSports for their broadcast of the FIFA World Cup and hopes to pursue a career in multimedia journalism after she graduates.
References
Schönbucher, V., Maier, T., Mohler-Kuo, M., Schnyder, U., & Landolt, M. A. (2014). Adolescent Perspectives on Social Support Received in the Aftermath of Sexual Abuse: A Qualitative Study. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(3)
Lorenz, K., Ullman, S. E., Kirkner, A., Mandala, R., Vasquez, A. L., & Sigurvinsdottir, R. (2017). Social Reactions to Sexual Assault Disclosure: A Qualitative Study of Informal Support Dyads. Violence against Women, 24(12)
Mayer, E. D., Peterson, R., Kim, E., Bhuptani, P. H., Kiefer, R., Cruz-Sánchez, M., & Orchowski, L. (2025). What Survivors of Sexual Violence Want When Disclosing Their Experiences in Person or Online: Qualitative Interview Analysis. Journal of Medical Internet Research, 27.
Lorenz, K., & O’Callaghan, E. (2020). “I Realized That I Couldn’t Act Normal”: a Qualitative Study of Sexual Assault Survivors’ Experiences of Workplace Disclosure. Journal of Family Violence, 37.
Ullman, S. E., O’Callaghan, E., Shepp, V., & Harris, C. (2020). Reasons for and Experiences of Sexual Assault Nondisclosure in a Diverse Community Sample. Journal of Family Violence, 35(8).
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network [RAINN]. (2025, August 28). Statistics: The Long-Term Impacts of Sexual Violence. rainn.org/statistics-the-long-term-impacts-of-sexual-violence/